8 to 38

My daughter awoke today to find her fish, Julia, dead. She was crushed. She cried, long and hard, grappling with the permanence of death.

This moment of tenderhearted sweetness struck me as in such great contrast to this video:

I found it on Google through the usual circuitous routing of blogs and newsfeeds.

How is it that at 8 years old we can cry over the death of a small fish but that by 38 we can go about our daily lives in a world so cold it allows children to be left huffing glue and living in sewers?

Sure, I realize we can’t survive if we perceive the full experience of the world as an 8 year old. We’d never get around to feeding ourselves as we sorted through the sadness. But still, to go from a child crying her heart out over a fish to an adult capable of walking passed children living in squalor with little more than a glance… There has to be a middle ground, right?

The saddest bit, I think, is my own realization that once I finish this post and my work email starts coming in and the phone starts ringing, I too will move on to other things.

Zen And Now

mu shinThis weekend I dismantled a Japanese rock garden I put up in my yard back in 2001. I envisioned it as a place to sit and reflect. Mostly it reflected my inability to keep it raked and weeded.

On Thursday we’re getting the girls a new swingset, and so the garden had to go to make room. This is not unlike my ‘music room’ which became a playroom for the girls, my instruments and recording gear having long since been banished to the attic.

But like some wise teacher who vanishes into the mist, my ill-fated rock garden gave me the most on its last day of existence.

I counted out 648 shovel loads of gravel (this being something akin to the breath counting central to zazen and something that helps cope with the tedium of the work) and wheeled them (20 shovels per full wheelbarrow) into our driveway where they will now serve as, well, a driveway.

It was great and meditative exercise complimented by high humidity, a warm temperature and a grey sky. The late arrival of tropical hoo-ha Hannah made the last hour the most enjoyable. Shoveling in the downpour. Soaked head to foot. Slipping in a few inches of mud. Just the scent of earth, taste of rain and slow heavy walk as the wheel barrow rolled back and forth, back and forth.

Having only marginal experience in Zen from my teacher in Brooklyn, it is moments like this weekend where I come closest to understanding just a little bit about concepts like samu.